I awoke with a crappy disposition today….not because it’s my birthday, but because I’m getting really tired of the bull I’m having to put up with day after day. These are tense times what with my daughter having had an accident and her car getting totaled (she’s fine. A bit bruised and battered, but otherwise fine), my son and daughter-in-law having to jump over to the hospital every day because the twins are almost here and one seems to be on the verge of taking all the amniotic fluid from the other…so we’ve got trouble there…not to mention me trying to take care of a 4 year old who is getting more spoiled and willful with each passing day. No…on top of all that my husband knows my birthday is coming up and yet doesn’t put any money back at all….not even for a card. And that’s just the first layer. This got me thinking. I’m 59 today and there are some people I’ve been very upset with for a very long time.
It occurs to me that it just might help me to get these grievances off my chest. Here goes:
- Dad, you left me with a woman that I truly loved with all my heart and I never realized until a few years ago that you knew she was mentally unstable, yet you never took the time to get to know me . Nor did you ever want to and that hurt. I never learned to see myself through a male parent’s eyes. I missed out on everything that would have made me feel better about myself. I have confidence problems to this day.
- To my nephew Mark. You were always dear to me and I could never figure out what it was that I did that made you stop talking to me. When I finally did, I couldn’t believe that you decided that because I declined to be your contact person for your kids school papers that you more or less disowned me. How heartbreaking! Did you ask me why? No. Did you ever consider that the loss I had incurred might not have been the only reason I declined? Did you show any empathy or want to understand what I was going through? No, you did not. You simply wrote me off. I wouldn’t do what you wanted me to so I must not be a part of your family any longer. Ok. I can see that you are not the man I had hoped you would be.
- Leslie, this came up many years ago but it broke my heart and it still bothers me. I was going along thinking you were a really good friend of mine. We had been so close in jr. high and I admired you so much. Then I got a boyfriend. No big deal, Renee had on in Jr. high and you and her were still close. I don’t know what happened. Here we were good one day and then I find a note on the floor of one of my class room’s from Renee W. to you stating that she got so bored the night before that “I even called Jeri”…your response “wow, you must have really been bored!”. I know that you knew immediately when I handed you back the know that you had been caught. I’ve thought about that for years and really cold not figure out why you did that. This is why I am reluctant to see you in person again. As much as I loved being friends with you, I don’t want to ever be hurt like that again. I forgive you, but I am having trouble forgetting.
- Sister, I love you but I have never, never understood you. You make up your mind on anything and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong, dumb and just too stupid to live. You seem to have no empathy for anyone else and no patience. I will never understand your reluctance to reconnect with your daughter. She had a stroke and still you did not contact her! I don’t get that at all. Do you really think she didn’t want you to at least call her to find out how she’s doing? She’s like my sister and all I want is to make it right between you two. It’s going to be too late before you know it….quit fearing and start living a life that you would surely be happier with!
- To my dogs, Dexter, Danny and Rukkus….I love you all! But please quit peeing and throwing up on my carpet! Good God I’m worn out by all this other crap and cleaning up after you is no fun…no matter what machine I have! Please, just deal with the fact that once in a while I get to get out of the house and what a joy it would be to come home and find that you had been such good boys that you hadn’t peed next to the hamper!
- To my son and daughter. Speaking of love. You two have always been my unending joy, my laughter, my pain, my sorrow, my heart! For as much as you both love me, why can’t you love and treat each other right? You are all each other has after your dad and I are gone. Be each other’s friends. Quit competing with each other or blaming each other…learn a better way to communicate with each other. PLEASE!!!
- To my husband Don. Please quit this stupid war with the neighbor! My God! If I could never hear you make snide remarks about him again I would feel so much better about life! And why, do you suppose, you’ve never been happy at work? Why do you keep blaming everyone else for your unhappiness? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it’s you? Your paranoia is EXHAUSTING! Please learn that you are not perfect and neither is anyone else. Oh, and the next time you treat me like you did last year will be the last time. I am NOT your slave, I’m not you, so don’t expect me to be at your beck and call…this is NOT 1955 and if you want a woman from 1955, well, find the nearest time machine and jump in it and transport yourself back. I tire of being put last after everyone else. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have these great kids and beautiful grandchildren! Every once in a while a woman needs a man to take her out, or to pamper her. I was not put in this earth to be slaving away each and every day and bowing to everyone elses needs. I have needs too.
- *sigh* I guess that about wraps it up. There is more, but I am pretty much spent. Thank you for reading. If I’ve offended, well, that is the nature of the beast. A bitch session oft time offends, but hey, I had to get all that out. I won’t apologize, all of this is the truth. And at 59, why hold it in any longer?
- Oh, one more item, Evelyn, I love you from the bottom of my soul. We were meant to be best friends and I will never, ever give you up. You have enriched my life and I thank God that after 50 years we are still friends and that we still celebrate our friendship! You have been there with me through thick and thin, highs and lows, joys and sorrows. There is no one like you and I wouldn’t trade you for anything or anyone. Not even my Don could make me stop being your friend! May our friendship last another 50 years!